Looking for the light, screaming at the dark

[thenerdygirl]

A long, rambling post about depression, anxiety, and mental health behind the cut. Everything's okay, not great but not terrible. I'll probably do an actual update on life stuff at some point, I just needed to write out some thoughts.


It’s been a rough couple of weeks...and yet as I write that my brain reminds “Well Steph, it’s actually been a rough couple of years”. Yes, Brain, it has but I’m trying not to feel buried. I’m trying to look for the light, I’m trying to choose my mood instead of letting my mood default to sad and irritable. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I can’t. A lot of the time it feels like an uphill battle.

I find balance is hard. How do I acknowledge the bad things and the feelings those events invoke without letting myself be dragged down to the bottom? I’ve been talking about that in therapy with my counsellor because I honestly don’t know. We're still working on the answer.

The one thing she keeps reminding me and what I want to keep reminding myself of is that these changes take time. It took 30+ years to form my habits and thought processes, it’s going to take time to change those habits & thought processes.

One really awesome thing is that my best friend wrote and published her second book of poetry. I got my copy in the mail this morning and I’m so proud and inspired. I know how challenging it was for her to work through her grief this way and how important it was to her. She shares so much and I find myself wanting to do the same. I’d like to write about my own experiences...yet I feel this rush of anxious feelings & thoughts at the thought of sharing parts of myself. Most of the anxiety comes from the thought of people I know reading it.

Another thing to talk about in therapy?

But I feel legitimately anxious whenever I think about posting on other social media sites like Twitter, Facebook, & Instagram because I follow and have followers I know in real life. I never felt that with Livejournal and I don’t feel it with Dreamwidth because I don’t know anyone offline and with most I’m still only getting to know them online.

I guess there’s some truth to the idea of freedom in anonymity.

But yeah, whenever I think about posting on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, I stop myself and think “Ugh, I don’t want anyone I know reading this. I don’t want them to know this about me”. Which is strange because it’s not like I’m posting anything shameful nor is it like I’m constantly posting. These days I rarely ever post anything. It feels like another part of my self-isolating habits if I’m being honest with myself.

Do you know what sucks sometimes? Being a depressed introvert. On one hand, I feel I need a lot of alone time to recharge and feel my best. Yet I have a hard time distinguishing between taking time to recharge and isolating myself from others.

I want to talk about my reality but I don’t want to be a downer either.

I want to reach out but I don’t want to be judged for reaching out.

I don’t want to deal with the preconceptions of others, I just want to be.

But then again, who’s really judging me? Who’s really looking that hard besides me?

If talking about my experiences brings others down, is that really on me? I am not wholly responsible for how other people feel or interpret things.

I believe in being mindful of others but in the end, there’s only so much you can do or control. When things upset me I’m usually able to realize that it’s me who’s making myself upset so if I can realize that while reading upsetting/potentially triggering things then other people probably do the same.

There are no perfect systems. This is no perfect way to share and there’s no way to be perfect.

Sometimes I feel so frustrated because these observations are obvious. I’m not breaking any new ground, I’m not telling myself anything I haven’t already heard.

Yet...repetition is part of learning. The only way to learn anything and apply in my/your life is through repetition.

It'll take time but I think it'll be worth it. I hope so anyway and hope a good thing, right?

Comments

[jitterylittlething]

I got rid of my Facebook because I just never felt comfortable posting there and that's when I did have some idea on what to post, so I see where you're coming from.

Sometimes I think we need to stop beating ourselves up for being introverts. We're no worse a person for it - it's just who we are. And who's to say all extroverts are really that happy anyway 🤷‍♀️ It does become a problem though I know when you really want to pursue a particular thing and shyness stops you.

[norfolkian]

But I feel legitimately anxious whenever I think about posting on other social media sites like Twitter, Facebook, & Instagram because I follow and have followers I know in real life. I never felt that with Livejournal and I don’t feel it with Dreamwidth because I don’t know anyone offline and with most I’m still only getting to know them online.


I can totally relate to this.

[thestoryofdarcy]

not great but not terrible is actually very positive when you considering the negative cycles ingrained in with depression. My therapist is being on the whole baby steps, taking one step at a time and that you can't go from awful to good without all the stages in between.. and god knows she's the only person I feel like I can talk to sometimes because she doesn't know me and that means she can't judge me, so I completely get where you're coming from