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thenerdygirl) wrote2019-10-09 09:35 am
thenerdygirl) wrote2019-10-09 09:35 am
Entry tags:
Try, try, and try again
Le sigh, it’s been a little over two months since I updated. August I was experiencing a depressive episode and feeling anxious and essentially tapped out. I didn’t feel like writing or doing much of anything other than sleep. My therapist recommended I take a week away from work for my mental health which I was lucky enough to be able to do at the end of August.
It was interesting. Normally when I take time off there’s always a huge to-do list of chores I want to do, stuff that I struggle to do while working regularly. Or a trip to take or there’s someone I need to take care or I’m physically sick or it’s a one-off mental health day. I had never taken a full week for my mental health and self-care before. I know it’s a very privileged thing to be able to do and I feel very grateful my workplace allowed me to do so….and yet as I type that a little voice argues in my head “It shouldn’t be a privilege to take time for mental health. Mental health is just as valid, in some ways more given the effect one's mental health can have as physical. In fact, why are they even separate?”
Yeah. Anyway, it did help and September was spent applying better practices and finally having the energy to tackle some tasks I hadn’t felt up to previously. Like organizing Dad’s bills & papers that had been piling up. I also tackled going through my Mom’s clothes which were a bigger task than I expected. Emotionally it was hard. I also didn’t realize just how much my clothes loving mother had. A huge dresser and about 75% of a walk-in closet’s worth of clothes.
I cried a few times in the process but ultimately it was a good thing. I kept about 20-25% which was a surprise as I didn’t expect to keep much and gave the rest to my aunts (Mom’s sisters) and Mom’s cousins to go through. My poor aunt’s card was filled to the brim with bags and boxes. I am glad that they’ll have something to remember mom with.
At first, I thought it would be weird to wear some of Mom’s stuff, even though throughout her life we often swapped stuff. Anytime I got rid of anything from my closet Mom got first pick and vice versa. It’s been oddly comforting I have to admit. Now I have to tackle her books, jewelry, and clean out her make up bag. God, put like that it sounds like I’m getting rid of everything. I’m not of course. There are tons of decorations, trip souvenirs, and pictures around the house. To be honest, pretty much everything in the house was touched by Mom and reminds us of her.
It’s funny, I had been putting off updating because in my head I was like “Oh I have nothing to write about” but here I’ve gone written a few paragraphs pretty easily. I could even write more but I’m going to save that for another post to see if I can get back on track again. Overall, I’ve been doing better and moved from the default of ‘okay’ to a default of ‘good’ most days. I feel motivated to do stuff and I’m looking forward to reading and catching up on what folks have been up to.
It was interesting. Normally when I take time off there’s always a huge to-do list of chores I want to do, stuff that I struggle to do while working regularly. Or a trip to take or there’s someone I need to take care or I’m physically sick or it’s a one-off mental health day. I had never taken a full week for my mental health and self-care before. I know it’s a very privileged thing to be able to do and I feel very grateful my workplace allowed me to do so….and yet as I type that a little voice argues in my head “It shouldn’t be a privilege to take time for mental health. Mental health is just as valid, in some ways more given the effect one's mental health can have as physical. In fact, why are they even separate?”
Yeah. Anyway, it did help and September was spent applying better practices and finally having the energy to tackle some tasks I hadn’t felt up to previously. Like organizing Dad’s bills & papers that had been piling up. I also tackled going through my Mom’s clothes which were a bigger task than I expected. Emotionally it was hard. I also didn’t realize just how much my clothes loving mother had. A huge dresser and about 75% of a walk-in closet’s worth of clothes.
I cried a few times in the process but ultimately it was a good thing. I kept about 20-25% which was a surprise as I didn’t expect to keep much and gave the rest to my aunts (Mom’s sisters) and Mom’s cousins to go through. My poor aunt’s card was filled to the brim with bags and boxes. I am glad that they’ll have something to remember mom with.
At first, I thought it would be weird to wear some of Mom’s stuff, even though throughout her life we often swapped stuff. Anytime I got rid of anything from my closet Mom got first pick and vice versa. It’s been oddly comforting I have to admit. Now I have to tackle her books, jewelry, and clean out her make up bag. God, put like that it sounds like I’m getting rid of everything. I’m not of course. There are tons of decorations, trip souvenirs, and pictures around the house. To be honest, pretty much everything in the house was touched by Mom and reminds us of her.
It’s funny, I had been putting off updating because in my head I was like “Oh I have nothing to write about” but here I’ve gone written a few paragraphs pretty easily. I could even write more but I’m going to save that for another post to see if I can get back on track again. Overall, I’ve been doing better and moved from the default of ‘okay’ to a default of ‘good’ most days. I feel motivated to do stuff and I’m looking forward to reading and catching up on what folks have been up to.